How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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