Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
