Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
