Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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