You can't special order awesome
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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