Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
