I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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