i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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