Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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