you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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