No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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