thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
