promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
