In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
