Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
