Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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