I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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