I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
