Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
