I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
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Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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