I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
