Can i not drive my cunt home
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
