do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
