Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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