My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's rum buckets o'clock
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