Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
