I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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