why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
