did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
