Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
