Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
