I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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