i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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