my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
