Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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