And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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