Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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