12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
