i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
