Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
