Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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