I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
