There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
