I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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