hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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