The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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