The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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