But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
