Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You made out with two different species that night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
