i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
