'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
