my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
