4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
