i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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